[40K] Survivor

Private Davies scrambled up the next dune, thoughtless of the shards of sand that were embedding themselves into the cuts on her arms. The cuts came from her climb over the barbed blockade to escape the slaughter that was raging mere yards behind. Her wide, hazel eyes were shining with tears of terror as she stared around the featureless expanse of the desert, barely lit by the weak torch of her lasgun. A chill breeze blew her brown hair, free of the binding helmet that lay somewhere behind, across her face. It stroked against her cheeks, causing her to flinch and hastily push it behind her ear.

As another streak of gauss fire lit up the area to a new series of screams, her mind flew back to the fence where Madison had been flayed alive. She remembered his disintegrating fingers, inches from her own, as pure instinct pushed her from the fence and drove her legs in a mad flurry towards safety. Snapping back to reality Davies’ eyes followed her long, flickering shadow away from the light and saw a small oasis. The darkness made it seem an unfathomable distance away but any fate out in the desert seemed a better one that what was happening at the camp.

Taking a step forward she gave a hiss of pain and glanced down at her left leg. The torchlight revealed a gash that had town right through her fatigues and left a bloody trench a good 4 inches long down her thigh almost to her knee. Steeling herself against the pain, breathed deeply and began to march, just as that sweaty Drill Sergeant had taught her too do between attempts to feel her up as he barked at her to stand straighter and adjust that vest. Still sparks seemed to shoot up in her eyes whenever her booted left foot came down on the giving sandy surface and her lips started to fade into a thin white line.

She had just peaked yet another dune when the sand suddenly gave way beneath her step and Davies went on a slow almost leisurely tumble down into the darkness, cursing and gasping as she did. Her lasgun slipped from her hand and bounced off a half-buried rock discharging three times towards the cold stars before sliding to a gentle stop beside the prone body of Davies.

Only a short time elapsed between a tumbling stone knocking Davies senseless, and a sudden triumphant fanfare of pain from her injured thigh jolting her back to consciousness, but it was enough to put Davies into a panic; how long had she been out? She didn’t know. Did any of see her? She didn’t know, she also did not know about the three calling cards her weapon had sent into the clear black sky, but someone else did. Letting out a silent scream that floated slowly away as mist in the cold desert night she lay for a moment clutching at the cut that was now forming a little red oasis of its own in the parched sand. Gripping a piece of her shirt she tore at it violently revealing a flat, toned belly. If Madison had been there he would have let out a wolf whistle, even with the horror that lay behind them (though Davies, or Jenny as her friends had called her, knew it was a harmless joke and nothing more, Madison’s real affections had ran a similar course to hers, and many other women’s, in their aim).

Making a half-assed job of a tourniquet Jenny now reached for her lasgun and laid it in her lap; the torch had been broken in the fall and she saw now that her ammo pack only had four shots left in it, surely it had been closer to eight before? Jenny was still trying to remember when she heard it: a quiet hissing sound accompanied by the almost inaudible crunch of fine sand. They had found her! Clutching the lasgun to her like a frightened child clutches its favourite dolly Jenny pushed herself back into the dune’s shadow and held her breath. Slowly, almost lazily it seemed to her, the creature appeared over the peak, its shining skeletal frame reflecting sickly green while deep inside its eyes flickered witch flame. Less than three feet below its metallic feet Davies felt her bottom lip wavering and bit down on it, hard, stifling the pathetic whine that had been growing deep in her chest. Not for her survival, but for the shame she would feel if it escaped her lips. Fear she could handle; she was a guardsman damn it! But not shame, please Emperor don’t make me feel shame.

The flickering green lightning of its weapon lit the area like a ghastly torch and gazing up at it Jenny’s hazel eyes lit up, green and mad. Clenching them tightly shut now her eyelids worked like a viewing screen playing out the reasons why she fought: Her father, the fat wild eyed oaf yelling and breaking things why a little six year old girl huddled in a closet. Her mother, whimpering little cow who after one beating had whimpered no more. The flames of righteousness blazing in the eyes of a Preacher as he spoke of their duty to the holy Emperor while the wheat fields they harvested whispered their hallelujahs. The sweaty Drill Sergeant telling her she would crack as his breath rolled down onto her face like a cloud of pestilence. Madison, sweet Madison with his easy smile and disintegrating fingers. This all flew past her minds eye in a moment and with her lips pulled back in a feline snarl she leapt up into the creatures view, each las bolt finding its mark as the metallic spectre fell to her fury.

The one that stood three feet behind it didn’t.

The streak of green fire hit Jenny just above the right breast and began its insidious work. As she stood frozen in the weapons devouring gaze the scream that had so long dwelt within her was finally released; a hoarse, animal sound. First the flak jacket vanished as if crumbling to dust; the fatigue shirt quickly following suit revealing the soft flesh underneath that was swiftly been stripped away. Just before Jenny Davies’ eyes were broken to single atoms by the creatures vile technologies she saw too things. The thing she had brought to the ground in several pieces standing once more and hefting its own weapon, and the orange glow of an imperial crafts engines streaking across the sky in a descending circle. The exposed muscles that had once moved Jenny’s lips drew back in a horrid bloody grin, than disappeared, revealing bone, than the featureless dunes of the desert.

The two creatures paused for the briefest of moments then in unison turned and began their soft hissing steps back towards the now silent camp.

Hope you enjoyed it, please post any comments/critisisms.

I liked it. It was engrossing, and definitely had me entranced. However, the sentences in some cases were too long where their effect could have been heightened by them being shortened (I too do this a lot). Also, it could do with being broken up a bit more into clearly defined segments (I realise you can't do paragraphs on this site, but leaving a space between each segment would do). The solid mass of writing is both daunting and makes the suspense lose some of its edge. However, on the whole, this is a very good piece of writing.

the sentences in some cases were too long where their effect could have been heightened by them being shortened (I too do this a lot). Also, it could do with being broken up a bit more into clearly defined segments (I realise you can't do paragraphs on this site, but leaving a space between each segment would do).

Thanks for the critique Ghworg, I've broken up the writing so hopefully now it doesn't seem like such an uphill struggle. Could you point out parts of the story where I was especially long-winded?

I shall do so as soon as I can.

As you asked, so have I complied. Here's a list of the most prelevant cases and some suggestions that are purely optional.

Private Davies scrambled up the next dune, thoughtless of the shards of sand that were embedding themselves into the cuts on her arms where she had hauled herself over the barbed blockade to escape the slaughter that was raging mere yards behind.

You could alter this to: "Private Davies scrambled up the next dune, thoughtless of the shards of sand that were embedding themselves into the cuts on her arms. The cuts came from her climb over the barbed blockade to escape the slaughter etc."

A chill breeze blew her brown hair, free of the binding helmet that lay somewhere behind, across her face and stroked against her cheeks, causing her to flinch and hastily pushed it behind her ear

You could change this to: "A chill breeze blew/caressed her brown hair, free of the binding helmet that lay somewhere behind, across her face. It stroked against her cheeks, causing her to flinch and hastily pushed it behind her ear.

As another streak of gauss fire lit up the area to a new series of screams her mind flew back to the fence where Madison had been flayed alive, his disintegrating fingers inches from her own as pure instinct pushed her from the fence and drove her legs in a mad flurry towards safety.

This could become: "As another streak of gauss fire lit up the area to a new series of screams, her mind flew back to the fence where Madison had been flayed alive. She remembered his disintegrating fingers, inches from her own, as pure instinct" etc.

Snapping back to reality Davies’ eyes followed her long, flickering shadow away from the light and saw a small oasis, the darkness made it seem an unfathomable distance away but any fate out in the desert seemed a better one that what was happening at the camp.

You could make this into 2 sentences, with the new one beginning at: "The darkness"...

Taking a step forward she gave a hiss of pain and glanced down at her left leg, the torchlight revealed a gash that had town right through her fatigues and left a bloody trench a good 4 inches long down her thigh almost to her knee.

You could make this into 2 sentences with a new one beginning at "The torchlight"...

It was only twenty seconds between a tumbling stone knocking her unconscious and waking up to a triumphant fanfare of pain from the slash on her thigh but it was enough to put Davies into

The length of this one isn't the issue, but it isn't constructed as well as ur other sentences. It could be better as: "Only a short time elapsed between a tumbling stone knocking Davies senseless, and a sudden triumphant fanfare of pain from her injured thigh jolting her back to consciousness, but it was enough to put Davies into..."

a quiet hissing sound accompanied by the almost inaudible crunch of fine sand, they had found her!

Split "they had found her!" into a separate sentence. The computer might say it's grammatically incorrect, but it gives far more emphasis to it.

Slowly, almost lazily it seemed to her, the creature appeared over the peak, its shining skeletal frame reflecting sickly green while deep inside its eyes flickered witch flame, less than three feet below its metallic feet Davies felt her bottom lip wavering and bit down on it, hard, stifling the pathetic whine that had been growing deep in her chest

Make the lines from "less than three feet below its metallic feet..." into a separate sentence.

Her father, the fat wild eyed oaf yelling and breaking things why a little six year old girl huddled in a closet, her mother, his whimpering little cow who after one beating whimpered no more, the flames of righteousness blazing in the eyes of a Preacher as he spoke of their duty to the holy Emperor while the wheat fields they harvested whispered their hallelujahs, the sweaty Drill Sergeant telling her she would crack as his breath rolled down onto her face like a cloud of pestilence, Madison, sweet Madison wit his easy smile and disintegrating fingers.

All the different images could do with being broken up into separate sentences.

Hope this helps!

Cheers for that Ghworg, all those suggestion, being more than reasonable, have been aded to the story.

Your welcome.

Cool. Very cool. Extremely cool. AMAZING!!!!!!!!! I just don't understand one thing: is she a witch hunter or a space marine?


 thanks Greasus409

Cool. Very cool. Extremely cool. AMAZING!!!!!!!!! I just don't understand one thing: is she a witch hunter or a space marine?

Neither. She is Private Davies, member of the Imperial Guard.

Ohhhhhhhhhh. Now I understand!

 thanks Greasus409