a short story

The beast fled out onto the tundra leaving a red trail of its life blood, it was almost dead now. The wound it had sustained from its fearsome predator had almost crippled it, yet it refused to give up and continued to try and escape its relentless hunter. The sabre tusk followed the trail of trampled snow and blood left in the wake of the fleeing rhinox. Compared to the trail the cat seemed deceptively small. Though the great cat was in fact the size of a large warhorse, the beast it hunted was almost as large as one of the legendary elephants of Cathay. The rhinox stumbled, no longer having the strength to continue, the sabre tusk watched it for a few moments to determine that it was truly too weak to get up and turned around to get its master. It wouldn’t get close to such a dangerous beast until it was dead. Gothrag watched the pale cat trot slowly towards him; he knew she would only return if the rhinox he had wounded was now crippled. Gothrag quickened his pace, eager to get to the beast and put it out of its misery, he was hungry after all.

He removed his gut plate to allow for the large volume of meat he had just consumed and watched Tabby gnaw on a bone, next to the now skeletal remains of the rhinox. He pulled the still wet skin over himself to keep him warm while he slept and digested his meal. As he drifted off to sleep he wondered if he would find Altdorf easily. Still, he could always ask some thinlings when he got to their lands. He wondered what it would be like to do what someone smaller then you told you to do for a change.

what do yuo guys think

I like it, is there going to be more of this? It reads kind of like a preview/opening to something bigger. I'm not sure about the ogre removing his gutplate, but that's based on my personal interpreation of their ritual/physiology.

Thanks
Corai

its a prolouge for a novel i'm writing for novel writing month
i'll post more as i write it
i had him removeing his gut plate because in the book wild kingdoms when 2 of the ogres ate a whole rhinox betweent hem they removed there gut plates to ease the preassure on there guts

i had him removeing his gut plate because in the book wild kingdoms when 2 of the ogres ate a whole rhinox betweent hem they removed there gut plates to ease the preassure on there guts

Oh, shiney, I didn't know that. Haven't read Wild Kingdoms, I was going more off the designers notes for the army that the gut was the centre of the ogres spiritual being so it was always protected. I dunno, I just wouldn't think there was anything so big that an ogre couldn't eat it comfortabley, but as i said, I havn't read Wild Kingdoms.

What's Novel writing month?

Looking forward to more.
Corai.

thank yuo for the encouragement
http://www.nanowrimo.org/ this wil tell yuo about navel writing month

Sorry to be critical, but I thought the writing, though good overall, was perhaps a little clumsy. I would advise review to make it a little smoother. Also, the viewpoint changes are too swift and unannounced: one sevond ur seeing this from the Sabretusk's viewpoint, the next ur seeing it from the Hunter's. But apart from that, good.

i see what yuo mean i've been trying to think of a way to make it better i'll try rewriteing it
is this better?
The beast fled out onto the tundra leaving a red trail of its life blood, it was almost dead now. The wound it had sustained from its fearsome predator had almost crippled it, yet it refused to give up and continued to try and escape its relentless hunter. The sabre tusk followed the trail of trampled snow and blood left in the wake of the fleeing rhinox. Compared to the trail the cat seemed deceptively small. Though the great cat was in fact the size of a large warhorse, the beast it hunted was almost as large as one of the legendary elephants of Cathay. The rhinox stumbled, no longer having the strength to continue, the sabre tusk watched it for a few moments to determine that it was truly too weak to get up and turned around to get its master. It wouldn’t get close to such a dangerous beast until it was dead. The cat watched its master remove his gut plate to allow for the large volume of meat he had just consumed. The cat contentedly chewed on a bone, next to the now skeletal remains of the rhinox.

Gothrag lounged near what was left of the rhinox carcase, he wondered if he would find Altdorf easily. Still, he could always ask some thinlings when he got to their lands. He wondered what it would be like to do what someone smaller then you told you to do for a change. He spared a glance for his cat Tabby sitting relaxed near by and then curled up to sleep. He could worry about that in the morning.


edit: i have changed it too one point of veiw per paragraph

I quite like the idea of using differant typeface to deliniate point of view It gives you the ability to do some interesting wthings with differing POV's/interpreations of events(Dan Abnett does it a lot in the Ravenor Books) But I'm not sure it should change mid paragraph. When you shift to the Hunters POV, I think you would bebetter starting a new paragraph, jsut to make the delineation a little clearer.

Good though, still looking forward to part 2.

this is the kind of advice i would like to get i'm studying for exams at the moment so part two will take a while.

Just a few more things u could change (the story's fine, and Im only really nit-picking now):

it was almost dead now

U could start a new sentence with 'it'. It could give more of a sense of finality to it, by making the reading a little slower.

the sabre tusk watched it for a few moments to determine that it was truly too weak to get up and turned around to get its master.

U could also do with starting a new sentence from 'the' here too.

The cat watched its master remove his gut plate to allow for the large volume of meat he had just consumed. The cat contentedly chewed on a bone, next to the now skeletal remains of the rhinox.

I get a sense that a period of time has elapsed between the last sentence and this one. If it has, maybe u could reconfigure it to the Ogre's point of view, and use it in the 2nd paragraph.

I like the use of italics when writing from the 'tusk's point of view. Same as what was done in James Barclay's Raven books when writing from a wolf's viewpoint.

Just read this short bit now,with a bit of work it could be very good indeed.
Nice little info piece on gut plates,I never realized they removed them either.
Looking forward to more.
Oni